Stress and Insecurity

Every semester I start to feel a bit panicked. For some reason, this semester is a bit harder. I am starting a new semester in a few weeks and need to revise my courses to make them better, more productive, get rid of the dead weight of the classes and generally improve the classes overall. This process is bitter sweet. I get the wonderful opportunity to revise my classes, but at the same time face the failures. **Get ready for some blog therapy here** I have a really hard time facing failures. In this statement alone you can probably read quite a bit into my psyche. I could have said, "I have the wonderful opportunity to improve my classes and omit those things that didn't quite work as well as I would have liked". But no, I went right to the word failure! This last semester was successful, but it was quite a struggle. I have not had such a hard semester since I first started teaching, which makes sense because I started teaching in a completely different way (online versus in person). While this medium is awesome and I FREAKING LOVE IT, it works well because of my back problems, but it has also created quite a bit of stress for me. It is now time for me to go back and look at every assignment, emails, class processes, etc... and find those things that did not work. I have a list of things I need to accomplish, but for some reason my mind turns that into failure.

I thought long and hard about this past semester, and even put in 60-80 hours of work prior to the semester. I expected that the classes were going to be perfect, and since my expectations were not met, this translates into failure in my head. I know, I know, I should think positively right? I will try to do so, but with uncertain economic times, budgets at schools getting cut left and right, this leads me to be even harder on myself than normal. I have to be perfect....the process of creating a class, fulfilling objectives then ultimately revising a class seems to have been rolled all up into one process - - - - class perfection from the start. Somehow in my head I have linked the perfect class, perfect grading, and great student reviews with job security and ultimately my only opportunity for health insurance (because only one school I work at offers health insurance to part time instructors, but I don't want to get into that right now).

So here I sit, procrastinating once again, avoiding the fact that I must face my fear and actually submerge myself into the revision process of my classes. I hope and pray that this process becomes easier overtime, and it might once I no longer have to work. It is my dream for my DH to be the sole provider of the family. I can handle the budget, the cooking, most of the cleaning, making dentist appointments, taking on the role of home secretary, foster kids and truck them around from school to after school activities, but I am certain I was not made to be a person who is depended on for monetary support. It is far too much pressure for me. I do not have the ability to segment my life, which quite a few men I have talked to possess, including my husband. Don't get me wrong, I WOULD absolutely continue to work even if it was not necessary because I LOVE TEACHING, it's in my blood. Now it's time to face the revision! Wish me luck. :)