If you can't handle the truth, please do not read this entry.
If you can't be kind, please do not comment on this entry.
If you feel the need to judge me, please stop reading my blog.
If can handle the truth, feel you can be kind and without a doubt can be supportive with no ulterior motive, by all means, please continue to read.
The last few years have been hard. As the anniversary of my dad's suicide come closer, I am reminded of his actions all over again. It seems, every year, I am reminded. It's not enough to be reminded everyday - because I think about him every single day - the anniversary comes around and hits me like a ton of bricks. Please don't misunderstand.....I am moving closer, a lot close to coming to terms with his actions....but I would be lying to you and to myself if I said that it's not one of the events in my life that has effected me greatly.
I would be dishonest if I told you I simply rolled over and "let God take control" of my life and forgave, and simply trusted God (I am not Polyanna). I have questioned God....I have cried to God....I have yelled at God....I have, at times, hated everything about God's plan.....all because of one man's actions. I have residual anger because I no longer have an earthly father....and anger because of his actions...not only the final action....but the actions long before his death. Part of me understands his actions and can definitely sympathize, but part of me wants to rage!!! Why have I blamed God, cried to God and questioned God? Because God dwells in the deepest part of me. Because I prayed for my father on a regular basis and had faith that God was going to take care of him. My faith meant little, because what happened did.
Am I perfect? No! 1). I let my emotions run me a lot of times! 2). I let anger get the best of me! 3). I am selfish with people! 4). I curse (sometimes a lot, but it's getting better)! 5). Countless other things I don't care to list out...because we could be here all night. The point is, is that I am NOT perfect. No one is. And this my friends is the beauty of God. The most intimate encounter I ever had with God was in 2000 - I was deep in worship at church one night and I heard God clearly say to me, "Come to me as you are. I love you." Come to me as you are.....I cried. In the middle of church, I was bawling like a little baby because God, as clear as day, told me to come to Him as I was. I didn't need to change ANYTHING - just simply come to Him. Comforting words.
In times where I have nothing left - the times when I have a heavy heart (literally HEAVY - pressure in my chest), the only thing I can do is give the part of me I am willing to let go of. Which isn't much most times. I am incapable and unwilling to come to God as I am wholly. I give what I can - and every day, every week, every month, it's a little more. As mad, sad and angry as I have gotten, something deep down is calling. God is calling - God is carrying - God is healing - God is loving me just as I am. Part of me wants to accept it - part of me wants reject it - but it's always there, calling and by the grace of God, I can hear it as clear as day.
I say all of this because someone came over the other night and pretty blatantly judged me (and Shawn for that matter) for my lifestyle - but didn't do it in a way that was loving. The person did it in such a way as to judge and condemn. I am sure this person had good intentions somewhere, but I simply cannot see the good intentions right now. This person presumes to know what I have been through - what I have seen - what I have experienced - I kindly don't think so. Until you can walk a mile in my shoes and experience the depth of hurt and anger that I have at times, please refrain from harsh judgment please. (I admit that I too have judged people - but have since and quickly learned what kind of effect this can have on people - I try my hardest not to do that anymore, but simply be loving and accepting of everyone regardless of where they are at in life).
I can honestly say that my fire for God has been burning brighter. In church this morning my heart was excited. I was excited to be a follower of God and to call myself a Christian. I felt excited about missions again and can't wait to get back out on the mission field. But, at the same time, like Paul in the bible, I am at war with myself. I choose to do the things I don't want to do - and don't do the things I should. I still curse (less than before - but still do it - especially when I accidentally stub my toe or hit my fingers with a hammer - but I am trying). But, my faults don't exclude me from loving God. I am trying my best given the cards I have been dealt in the recent few years. (Having said this - I know you are thinking that I shouldn't let my surroundings dictate how I feel or react....ummm, yeah - I know that. I am working on it and trying to find joy in the very many things that I have to be thankful for - which are MANY).
Just today I can list about a million things that I am thankful for. God has been so kind to both me and Shawn - and as a couple, God has poured down his blessings and abundance. For this, among a million other things I am thankful for just today. Tomorrow I am sure I will find a million other things to be thankful for. God is good - and it's in His loving arms that I will find sweet rest tonight.