Father's Day

In honor of Father's Day (inspired by a friend)

I am angry... I am angry that you didn't think about the people around you or give them the benefit of the doubt in helping you. I am angry that you didn't call for help when you were having suicidal thoughts! I am angry that you didn't give us an opportunity to reach out to you. I am angry that you were so deep in your depression and so prideful that you didn't bother to ask for help, rather you kept it bottled up and tried to deal with it yourself. I am angry that you took your own life. Your life was intertwined with many...many people who hurt, even two and a half years after you ended your suffering. I am angry that you turned to alcohol instead of turning to the people in your life for support. I am angry that you weren't there for my wedding. I am angry that you didn't stick around long enough to be the one to walk me down the isle, I had to go it alone!

I am blessed... I am blessed that I had a father at home into my teenage years. I am blessed that you stuck it out for so long even when you were unhappy in your living situation. I am blessed because you chose to care about us even when you didn't want to. I am blessed because you selflessly took care of your aunt and uncle for years even when you didn't have to. I am blessed because I learned many life lessons through your experiences. I am blessed because you took so many risks in life to try to be happy. I am blessed I was given your adventurous spirit. I am blessed that you lived most of your life determined to experience...experience places, people, and things. I am blessed because I am a part of you - something only one other person on the face of the earth gets to be a part of. I am blessed because I inherited many of your incredible traits. I am blessed because that I got to experience you while you were still here.

I will remember... I will remember when you took care of me when I was sick in the middle of the night. I will remember all of the lunches you packed for me before going to school. I will remember the way you put on your shoes in the morning. I will remember the thermos you used for your coffee and the coffee mug you never washed because it "gave the coffee more flavor". I will remember the parties at your house. I will remember how you called me "kid" even into my mid-twenties. I will remember how safe I felt in your arms when I was scared when I was younger. I will remember your determination to take us to Disneyland under truly aweful circumstances. I will remember that you were the strongest man in the world and could do anything when I was young. I will remember the stories you told about being a cop. I will remember talking to you about God in-depth over the phone. I will remember your infectious laughter. I will remember all of your memories, both good and bad throughout the years.

Happy Father's Day Dad, I miss you terribly! I wish you were here!