I was driving home from Trader Joe's yesterday afternoon listening to music really loud in my car. I do this when Shawn's not around because he doesn't like loud music so much. All of a sudden, my dad's death hit me all over again. This happens every few months or so, so it's not out of the ordinary.....but it was strange. I was simply driving, rockin' out to music, and all of a sudden I get overwhelmed with sadness about my dad.
I have this weird thing going on with me, my head and my heart are at odds. I understand logically the position my dad was in and his state of mind (as much as one can understand), and my mind says that it was a bad situation and there would be an explanation if he were still here....but my heart says something completely different. My heart hurts and I'm sad. There is simply no other way to say it....I am sad. I am sad that someone would think that there is no other way out, or that someone would want to end it all because they can't deal with life anymore....and this is not just my dad. There are millions of people out there that have the same perspective.
It's weird because I can pretty much put myself into someone's shoes in the place and almost fully understand where they are coming from. Not that I have ever thought about suicide, but I can understand where one comes from when contemplating that. Maybe it was the song that was on (although the song is not important) that sparked thinking about my dad, who knows. This happens when I least expect it. Or maybe it's because I have a lot of time on my hands right now with doing small projects around the house. But I'm sad that someone in my family, someone I had a relationship with chose to end things like that......but I am blessed at the same time to have known someone like him. He had so many great qualities....I just wish he were here so I can tell him that.
My sister said something in one of her blogs that I thought was really cool. She said that she doesn't tell many people about dad's death because that's not how she wants to be defined. I like that. It's not who we are....rather it's something sad that happened. And lots of people have sad stuff happen to them, we are not the only ones. But I can't help, at times, to feel sad. It's been almost 3 years...and to tell you the truth, I don't think the pain ever goes away, it just changes. The sadness and hope that things were different will always be there. But I am encouraged....there are so many people in my life that have shown unconditional love....my husband for one.....God of course...and many others.
Thanks for listening!
Please don't feel compelled to comment - rather, just say a tiny little prayer for people bogged down with the feeling of loss in their lives...because there are many.
(I promise tomorrow's post will be a bit happier)